Will someone help me with my College Admissions Essay? =]?
Read this please!
I have never been quite ready for college. I’ve always put in on the back burner and never really thought about it. I never wanted to leave my hometown, my friends, or the comfort of my sheltered life. Everything was so perfect and normal. Then one day, something hit me like a giant bus. On March 26, 2008, my best friend got into a terrible car accident, and it completely changed my life, forever. It really was the hardest time of my life. Because of this, I feel like I want to go to college to create a new life, pursue a major that I’ll thrive and love, and have experience the real world.
First, I want to go to college to create a new life for myself. Losing anyone close to you is very hard. It makes you want to just escape from all the drama. I want to have as much fun as I did with her. College is a place to truly find your strengths and weaknesses. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who I will cherish for the rest of my life. I was really only close with one friend, and now that she is gone, I want to get closer with more people. I believe that Indiana University of Pennsylvania will really help me do that.
Second, I want to pursue a major that I’ll thrive and love, which IUP can also help me with. Ever since I was little, I have been cutting and sewing clothes for my two little sisters, my mom, and my dog, Brownie. IUP’s fashion merchandising major sound like something that I will really enjoy, and excel at. I am a girl with big dreams. I don’t want to live in a small town for the rest of my life, and having a career in fashion from IUP fashion merchandising program would make me ready for the leap to the real world.
Third, I want to experience the real world. I rely on my mother, grandma, and even my best friend way to much. When I lost her, I felt so left out, like a lost little kid in the middle of the mall just looking for her parents. I realize that I can not rely on people my entire life. I want to be independent, and lead my own life. Ever since the accident, I just want to leave my hometown and find out what more there is to life. Indiana, Pennsylvania sounds like the perfect city to live it. It is not too big, nor too small. I can not image anywhere else but IUP. There are so many activities to keep my busy, while I learn what the real world is going to be like. I really think that it can prepare me for that.
Overall, Indiana University of Pennsylvania sounds perfect for me. I need to lead a new life, make changes, and to pretty much just grow. I think that I am now truly ready for what college life has to offer me. Losing my best friend has taught me something truly important that I always need remind myself, never take life for granted. I want to make my life all it can possibly be, and that is why I think IUP is where I want to be spending the next four years of my life.
Yeah, I agree with you. I know what you're talking about. Last year in September 2007, one of my mom's best friends, Janis, died of pancreatic cancer at the young age of 54 I think. Although she wasn't my friend, she was like a second mom or an aunt to me. She knew me my whole life, ever since I was born, and she was actually a rather healthy person, but her innocent life was taken by such a deadly form of cancer. I was in 9th grade at the time, and I was devastated when she died. I began to fall behind in school due to large amounts of stress, and I procrastinated constantly on homework. It just got worse and worse. I even started to see a counselor because I became mildly depressed. My parents and I got into arguments daily over simple things. Now I've changed, however. I eventually got over her death, and my grades improved slightly. I think that going to a new college to meet new people is a fantastic idea. I know that my best friends help cheer me up 
Good luck.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
starting with i've never really been quite ready for college is a BAD start!
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January 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I think that one thing you need to do is elaborate on WHY this specific school is the best for you. In all honesty, unless you do so you can switch in the name of any school, and as such is less convincing to admissions. Otherwise, good but that is a fundamental weakness.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I would find a college level writing site by searching on google then us their format. I'm in AP English at University of Florida and i can tell you right now that will not get you into any college
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January 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Yeah, I agree with you. I know what you're talking about. Last year in September 2007, one of my mom's best friends, Janis, died of pancreatic cancer at the young age of 54 I think. Although she wasn't my friend, she was like a second mom or an aunt to me. She knew me my whole life, ever since I was born, and she was actually a rather healthy person, but her innocent life was taken by such a deadly form of cancer. I was in 9th grade at the time, and I was devastated when she died. I began to fall behind in school due to large amounts of stress, and I procrastinated constantly on homework. It just got worse and worse. I even started to see a counselor because I became mildly depressed. My parents and I got into arguments daily over simple things. Now I've changed, however. I eventually got over her death, and my grades improved slightly. I think that going to a new college to meet new people is a fantastic idea. I know that my best friends help cheer me up
Good luck.
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January 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Comments are in parentheses. Overall, I think that you need to write your essay more like it is written, rather than spoken. Writing as if you are speaking to someone is a big annoyance of essay readers.
I have never been quite ready for college (Not a smart start). I’ve always put in on the back burner and never really thought about it (This means that you've not applied yourself in school with the intention of moving forward with your life. Bad idea.). I never wanted to leave my hometown, my friends, or the comfort of my sheltered life. Everything was so perfect and normal. Then one day, something hit me like a giant bus. On March 26, 2008, my best friend got into a terrible car accident, and it completely changed my life,(Previous comma not needed.) forever. It really was the hardest time of my life. (What about this makes you want to go to college? Go deeper into how this has affected you. It makes the story more interesting. You should emphasize that this was a moment of revelation for you.) Because of this, I feel like I want to go to college to create a new life, pursue a major that I’ll thrive and love, and have experience the real world.
(You may want to say this as a second reason. Admissions officers are interested in your will to pursue a higher education and become a more well-rounded individual.)First, I want to go to college to create a new life for myself. Losing anyone close to you is very hard. It makes you want to just escape from all the drama. I want to have as much fun as I did with her. College is a place to truly find your strengths and weaknesses. I want to meet new people, and make new friends who I will cherish for the rest of my life. (Mentioning names of this "friend" helps. It gives them a sense that you know them as a close friend.) I was really only close with one friend, and now that she is gone, I want to get closer with more people. I believe that Indiana University of Pennsylvania will really help me do that.
Second, I want to pursue a major that I’ll thrive and love, which IUP can also help me with. Ever since I was little, I have been cutting and sewing clothes for my two little sisters, my mom, and my dog, Brownie. IUP’s fashion merchandising major sound like something that I will really enjoy, and excel at. I am a girl with big dreams. I don’t want to live in a small town for the rest of my life, and having a career in fashion from IUP fashion merchandising program would make me ready for the leap to the real world. (Indicate examples of why you are capable. Don't beat around the bush. Mention ways in which you are involved with your interests and your community.)
Third, I want to experience the real world. I rely on my mother, grandma, and even my best friend way to much. When I lost her, I felt so left out, like a lost little kid in the middle of the mall just looking for her parents. I realize that I can not rely on people my entire life. I want to be independent, and lead my own life. Ever since the accident, I just want to leave my hometown and find out what more there is to life. Indiana, Pennsylvania sounds like the perfect city to live it. It is not too big, nor too small. I can not image anywhere else but IUP. There are so many activities to keep my busy, while I learn what the real world is going to be like. I really think that it can prepare me for that.
Overall, Indiana University of Pennsylvania sounds perfect (Perfect is overused. Cite reasons why, why you would fit well there, and use more decriptive words. Thesaurus's help. And if you have Microsoft Word, right clicking an overused word and scrolling over to synonyms for it is an eays shortcut that I use for my papers all of the time.) for me. I need to lead a new life, make changes, and to pretty much just grow. I think that I am now truly ready for what college life has to offer me. Losing my best friend has taught me something truly important that I always need remind myself, never take life for granted. I want to make my life all it can possibly be, and that is why I think IUP is where I want to be spending the next four years of my life.
Overall, college look for enthusiastic people. Writing your essay as a story cna grab their attention. Tie your reasons into your story to make it more interesting and memorable. And remember, it's not all abuot the essay. Make sure that you cite every single way that you've been involved with activities, etc. in high school. They like that stuff. GOOD LUCK!
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